We often see it coming. Our blinkers sometimes go on. The signs have been there for a while we just didn’t do anything about it and we hoped it might fix itself.
In early January my relationship of over 10 years came to an abrupt and screeching halt. The fall out from that was that I lost my home, my job, had to move over 3 hours drive away and move in with family.
In the days and weeks that followed what became most uncomfortable for me was the stigma which was attached to the age at which all this had happened. I am thirty one. I have never really been conscious of age except for a brief moment of panic at hitting thirty.
Someone remarked a few weeks ago that I would be ok because “you look about twenty four”. Earlier that same week someone else had remarked that I was “no longer young”. Imagine my confusion?
I feel young. I guess we all do right the way through our lives. I know people who are in their seventies and feel sixteen. I certainly don’t feel old. I feel cautious in thinking I have a second chance.
I also found another curious feeling in the fall out of this break up. I started to regret that it hadn’t ended sooner. Certainly there was motive to end it sooner. Suddenly I was thinking about the extra time it would have bought me to rebuild my life and at a younger age.
I’m left feeling that we are all just scratching around for time. Whether it is to roll back the years or add some on. We all want more time. As well as our regret for things we perceived we screwed up, we also want that time back that was spent making the mistake. It’s this attitude of “well I’ll screw up that is fine…just give me back the time spent on it” that is so unique to us I feel. Are we the only animals aware that our time is limited? Does anything else know that time is running out?
Perhaps it is unfair to say we live in an ageist world. Maybe we live in a world where the hourglass is slowly emptying on the floor at our feet? Perhaps it is this that makes us panic and make foolish decisions?
What happens if science ever figures out how to flip the hourglass?