Almost Is Never Enough

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This is going to be the most personal thing I have ever written to date here.

I first realised I was “different” when I was 9/10 years old. I viewed the world differently and felt differently towards boys. My friends were mainly female (with a scattering of very good friends who were boys) it was with them I combed the hair of their Little Ponies and they who I spent most of my time. I never once had any interest in kicking a football (soccer ball) or playing rubgy (almost a sin being from Wales).

I had no siblings with whom I could discuss my concerns (not that I’m sure I would have). I did not tell my parents until I was 27 and kept my secret to myself until I was about 18. My story I appreciate it is not unique. On average approximately 7% of the population would identify with the way I felt in some way or another.

Here is where my story becomes a little bit different again. I started to become over weight at the age of about 10. Maybe the two go hand in hand. I was worried about my feelings and so I choose to eat. Anyway I fat man in a gay world is not a welcoming place. I have always felt outside of the community. I cannot relate to gay men in many ways, preferring instead to surround myself with strong females.

I have looked at many videos of people coming out on Youtube and I feel so emotional watching them. The age at which people are choosing to be honest appears to be getting younger and younger. Hopefully one day it won’t be such an event. The reason I feel that it is apart from the parents (often) surprise is that we wrestle with this for years and withdraw. It is our secret for a long time. It is control that we have over who knows our deepest secret. Often as children you desperately seek control. When you share the secret though often it is when you are no longer a child but an adult and the world now appears to be a very different place.

The point of writing this is because I wanted to be honest with you all but also because I felt the need to tell someone that not fitting in with your kin is scary and upsetting. Losing weight is giving me some confidence back in all sorts of ways but I’m not sure it will ever give me a place in the gay community.

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2 thoughts on “Almost Is Never Enough

  1. I send you a great big heart hug. I feel your outsider-ness and I admire your courage. No advice, no ‘I know what you mean ’cause I’m the same!’ I just feel you through your words. So here’s a bit of love from an internet stranger, hoping that you find your piece of earth to stand on, to claim as yours by right. You deserve happiness too.

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