Midnight Musings Of Mothers

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I wouldn’t normally post this late but I am sort of reeling from the diagnosis of my mother either being narcissistic personality disorder and/or borderline sociopath.

I feel…I don’t know. Relief? To give it a name is great after all these years but to realise there is no cure for the sociopath part is just so saddening.

I feel like I need to give up on her and walk away. I have learned today that my actions or feelings are of no consequence to her at all. I am a toy. A play thing. A minion. I exist only to serve her whims.

I feel like it is time to get off the hamster wheel. So why do I feel so heart broken?

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7 thoughts on “Midnight Musings Of Mothers

  1. I think you may feel heartbroken at releasing the dream of the mother you wanted, and being willing to accept and forgive he mother you have. That is what it was for me. It was difficult, and I couldn’t fully accomplish it until several years after she died, but I made a start when I stopped expecting her to be other than she was, stopped needing her to change. Then I could make decisions about contact with my boundaries intact, my inner child safely protected by me, and we actually became slightly closer. Many blessings to you on your mother-journey… this is important healing work.

  2. even having a ‘diagnosis’ a ‘label’ etc, still does not give a child what they deserved and should have had~ UNCONDITIONAL love. That simple! I hope you find your way to healing, and yes, forgiveness.

    • I don’t think that is an option for me. She is beyond my help and in a completely different place I can’t even reach. I think it’s time I stopped trying now at 32.

  3. What is not an option? Forgiveness or healing? Maybe there needs to be a better understanding. Like RevGerry said, when she stopped expecting her mother to be different and put boundaries in place it was better for her. You have options, it’s up to you to put them in place! Hugs to you on your continued journey.

    • She tramples all over boundaries and given my recent problems I’m not strong enough to reinforce them sometimes. I can’t forgive her either. The things she has done are evil. My decision is sadly to cut contact. I didn’t want it to come to this believe me.

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