After The Dust

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When the dust settles after we end our relationship things feel all kinds of weird & messy. I’m 6 months on almost from the end of an 11 year relationship. It’s a strange place to be in. On the one hand they are out of my day to day life. On the flip side I am still hanging on by the fingernails of any piece of information I can get about their life. Admittedly this is now far less than it had been.

There is little desire to contact them & ask questions or strike up a conversation. In fact I have no desire to do it or I would have. I refuse to be the one who goes back in a way that could be construed as my wanting to fix things for an ulterior motive. I said a lot of dumb shit when the relationship was breaking down. I think what I may still have is that feeling of caring. I don’t want to see any harm come to them. I am angry at what happened, of course I am, but I still want them to be ok. I need to know they are ok.

Let us not beat about the bush here. Rejection hurts. It absolutely does. However with time it is easier to put this in perspective. A theme I keep coming back to repeatedly here is not realising how messed up everyone else is around us. I shared my thoughts on that when posting about being overweight & gay. Let me be clear, it extends far beyond that. There are those around us we put on pedestals that do not deserve such treatment. I made the mistake with my Dad & I made it again with my previous partner. I overlooked so much (as I am sure they feel they did) in order to keep them on that pedestal. When the dust settled though I realise what a deeply flawed & insecure individual they were.

My scars are deep but I know I can heal. I have come so far & done so much in such a short space of time that even alarm (from my therapist) about my hangovers from my childhood don’t faze me. I can get through it & I can come out the other side better.

So I now understand that the obsessive behaviour I had at the start is not what I have now. Previously I was desperate to be a part of their life but now I am just desperate not to be completely removed or for the door to be closed on any kind of friendship or contact we may have. I have realised I do not love them. I did but it was messed up.

This is harmful for us still. We are in a limbo where we are not quite free & not quite attached to them. In my case the other party has fully moved on. It hurt me quite early on in the break up but now I feel that actually I dealt with it quite well. I was angry but I didn’t seek revenge. I started to withdraw & limit my contact with them.

Perhaps this is now why we are where we are. It’s sad that in having to limit my contact for my own sanity, that now I am out of the other end that door is closed completely. I couldn’t listen to the stories of them dating someone else or being infatuated with another. In trying to get through it & survive it I unwittingly ended the friendship that 6 months ago was the centre of my entire world.

On their part I know they saw my behaviour as selfish, but I have come to understand& that I am not selfish. It would appear on the outside that I am self-absorbed but I recently learned about why that is the case. There are things that are to come in my posts here that will discuss this in the coming weeks, but for now I just wanted to say I have had an epiphany. It served a purpose for the longest time but it got confused with my fears about other things.

I am not selfish just surviving & really in different ways…aren’t we all?

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