How much of our energy do we expel on surviving? The simple day to day act of being alert or on guard? This “Jungle Mentality” as it is often called. Always being prepared with a response or always being prepared for the unexpected. How much each of us do it really depends on how we were brought up & how we perceive the world.
I’m stuck in survival mode. I have been for years. I can barely focus on anything else other than getting through the day. When I get home at night, often, all I want to do is pull the duvet over my head & hide. I am always on guard in case of verbal (or perhaps physical) assault from someone or something. It is extremely tiring. That though is sort of the point.
I am utterly exhausted. I can’t carry on like this. In surviving I become numb to things but really what I am experiencing is a huge amount of stress. So all the tiny little things that I should be enjoying or absorbing make little impact because I am just putting so much effort into being alert & scanning my environment.
During the course of the last 11 years I have not been living at home with my Mother. My therapist said that it must have been a huge relief to finally move out & be free. My response was that I have never felt free. Not once. I still have dreams about disappointing my Mum or Dad. I sometimes still wake feeling concern at their reaction to something I have done in the dream.
I don’t yet know what the answer is. My therapist this week showed concern about this & seemed to be suggesting that this is not an easy fix. As those of you who have read my other posts will know, it came as no surprise when, ultimately, he responded with “wow…she really did a number on you”. All I could think after he said this while I was sat there was “Yeah…& she will never understand that”.