I can never relax. I withdraw. That is my relaxation. I will surf the internet for hours trying to escape my stress. It doesn’t work. Those around me may feel unloved or rejected. I can’t help it. All the time I am just trying to keep my head above the water. The only thing I ever learned was survival. Everything else is secondary. This has got to stop.
It may be the case that for the rest of us survival mode is just looking after the kids as well as managing a house or juggling school work with parental demands & after school commitments. What we may all be missing is the little things in life. What use is just barely getting through something if we miss all the signs & warnings or bigger problems yet to come? We assume our survival mode helps us detect these but it does not. I miss huge chunks of people’s feelings & emotions. I feared for the longest time that I had autism or something equally concerning. Again that was just piling more stress on myself.
What made my getting to the source of this problem so much harder was my fear that what I was, was exactly what my Mother is. I have stripped all of that away now. She is not here. She is not me. These things that I saw as selfish of me or thoughtless were just my survival instinct. I am not selfish & distant because I am here. I am appearing selfish because I can’t switch off.
My mind is in over drive 24/7 & everything I do is about getting through the day.