Daily Prompt: Familial Feasts

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The great thing about this whole crazy situation that has happened in the last 6 months is I have gotten to spend lots more time with my Nan. I now live with her.

I would have dedicated a holiday to her 6 months ago and while we are still very close I can no longer call her a distant relative.

I would have to dedicate one to my Dad. No longer with us (you can’t get any more distant than that) sadly I think he should have his birthday as a holiday.

My Dad got few of the things he ever really wanted. He got me and he finally got himself a Jaguar car in the mid-nineties but apart from that he was extremely unlucky.

He lost his Dad at 13 and his mother in his late 20’s. He was in and out of jobs all his life with no formal education. His health was bad for about 10 years before he died and he didn’t deserve to suffer as he did.

On his birthday (April 19th) we can have a day where we all do something we have wanted to do for a long time. Tick one off the bucket list perhaps?

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I’ll Just Keep On Surviving: Part 2

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I can never relax. I withdraw. That is my relaxation. I will surf the internet for hours trying to escape my stress. It doesn’t work. Those around me may feel unloved or rejected. I can’t help it. All the time I am just trying to keep my head above the water. The only thing I ever learned was survival. Everything else is secondary. This has got to stop.

It may be the case that for the rest of us survival mode is just looking after the kids as well as managing a house or juggling school work with parental demands & after school commitments. What we may all be missing is the little things in life. What use is just barely getting through something if we miss all the signs & warnings or bigger problems yet to come? We assume our survival mode helps us detect these but it does not. I miss huge chunks of people’s feelings & emotions. I feared for the longest time that I had autism or something equally concerning. Again that was just piling more stress on myself.

What made my getting to the source of this problem so much harder was my fear that what I was, was exactly what my Mother is. I have stripped all of that away now. She is not here. She is not me. These things that I saw as selfish of me or thoughtless were just my survival instinct. I am not selfish & distant because I am here. I am appearing selfish because I can’t switch off.

My mind is in over drive 24/7 & everything I do is about getting through the day.