Just wanted to check in with you all. I have now lost 124 pounds!
I am very close to passing my driving test. I should be completed by mid-October.
The 20th of September is the 5th anniversary of my fathers death and the day I sit my driving theory test.
My therapy is now monthly and no longer weekly or fortnightly. I have learned so much and progressed so quickly. I am glad I was able to share so much of it with all of you.
I started a new job 3 weeks ago and it is going very well. Good chance I will be made permanent and the money is good.
I have been on a date which went well but sadly there was no spark between us. There are many other guys out there and chatting to them all is fun. I am optimistic.
Finally with regards to the future of this blog I am still ironing out what I want to do next. Some small gems of ideas are around. As promised I will be sure to inform you all when I know what the final plan is.
All three are verbal ticks of mine but what I really wanted to throw into this was about real ticking.
I met someone who has gone on to become a really good friend in February this year. He suffers with ticks.
When a few weeks into being his friend I enquired politely about them he told me that his family all tell him to stop because it will stop him getting a job and it “looks weird”.
As most people know, getting rid of them can be really hard. Almost to criticise someone for them is unkind and unfair. My question to him was purely out of interest. I think it makes him unique and special.
He told me that one day he was reading a book about someone he admired (who had ticks) and just decided he should adopt one. So now he has and he seems perfectly happy with it…but well…ya’ know it draws attention!
“The worst days work I ever did was give birth to you” she muttered as I walked into the bathroom one morning. However by this point I was old enough to answer back and retorted with “I think you mean the only days work you ever did”. This didn’t rattle her one bit and she continued brushing her teeth. The days of hitting me had long since ended. Now all she had was bitter words.
When I was around 14 she raised her hand to me for the last time. I didn’t punch her. I just pushed her and she fell, in a sitting position, to the floor. She didn’t say a word as she got to her feet and walked upstairs never taking her eyes off of me. She was angry but this time, and every time from now on, she knew she would not be able to strike me as she had always done. The control was over and the rules had changed.
In the following years she tried to verbally knock me. My weight, lack of girlfriends, academic ability and never liking my friends. She tried to change me from the ground up with words now not violence. I fought her as I always had. She is cunning and fairly smart. She was never a match for my intelligence. Saying that is hard for me though. What is harder is admitting I am probably only as bright as I am because I had to be to survive. I didn’t lack academic ability I was just uninterested in school until I became much older.
The fall out from all of what was going on at home was I had been a bully at school. I discovered that was not the right thing to do though it took some time. My cutting words lingered longer, I would often make the mistake of speaking first and thinking later. I hurt people and I still feel guilty for that now nearly 15 years later. When you live in fear and absolute control it is easy to lash out at weak targets. I did that and it is my burden to carry. Being a bully and always in trouble at school only served to further feed the fire she held about me being a bad child. It was always about image though. She didn’t want what was best for me she just didn’t want to be judged for her disobedient and unruly child.
One day I was sat in the lounge with my friend. My Mother walked into the room and sat down opposite us. She picked up remote for the TV and counted the numbers on it out loud in a very child like voice. She got up and left the room. My friend turned to me and apologised. I looked at him oddly and he replied “I always thought you made it all up, now I realise you were telling the truth, she is mental”. My Mother has held down a very professional job for 30 years. She hasn’t a blemish on her record. Very few people I imagine know what she was really capable of. Image was everything as I said before. The mask can never slip. They can never know.
When I was about 16 I finally spoke to my Father about what had happened growing up. He seemed surprised. He spoke to her when she returned home that day from work. She denied it all and said I exaggerated. She managed to appease him by reminding him what a difficult child I had been. I never spoke to my Father about her again. I found out much later that he had known all along what she was, even going as far as to ask a member of the family to raise me as their own out of fear for my safety. He didn’t know what she was capable of. He was soon to find out just how far she could go.
When we start a new job it’s a terrible feeling. We don’t know anyone and we don’t know anything. Even if the job is the role you always wanted, or in an industry you always wanted to work in, it can be very daunting.
Our feelings of confidence that can build up after a few days are quickly shattered when an error we make is uncovered or exposed. We shuffle off home at the end of the day feeling useless and a liability. We will return tomorrow because that is the reality of a new job. You pick yourself up and dust off the mistakes.
There is an idea when it comes to the theory of learning with regards to conscious and unconsciousness. That we are consciously incompetent at the start meaning we don’t know anything and we know it. We then move into unconsciously incompetent (we know some things but are blind to some things we don’t know) which drifts into consciously competent (we have to concentrate on what we are doing but we do know what we are doing). Finally there is unconsciously competent.
In this unconscious state of knowing what we are doing we can also experience the problems of starting a new role especially if our old one changes a lot. It is sometimes why people are seen as resistant to change. They have been doing their jobs so naturally without much thought that, suddenly, their way of coming in and just getting on with it has changed immeasurably and they become agitated and unhappy.
The sad reality of unconsciously being competent is that for most things in our early life it occurs long after the tests we need to do in order to achieve a pass. You are a better driver long after you pass your driving test for example (well ok, in most cases!). We must travel through the three stages to finally arrive at knowing exactly what we are doing and not really having to think about it.
So here I am at work. Sat in this consciously incompetent state that is bordering onto unconsciously incompetent. I screwed up an email this morning to the warehouse. It’s ok though because I just blogged about it and told all of you!